Summer Camp Nurse 2019

For the past 10 or so years we have been sending our kids to Hidden Acres Summer Camp. Jeremy went there through middle school & high school for all our church youth group retreats & I joined him when we moved to Iowa my junior year. Our oldest son had the privilege of working in the kitchen for 2 summers & matured substantially. To say that our family loves Hidden Acres would be completely accurate. I love to listen to my children tell me all about their adventures after we pick them up every year but I've always wondered what Hidden Acres is like during summer camp & it occurred to me that I could experience a taste if I went as the camp nurse. It wouldn't be exactly the same but it would be close. 

I mentioned this in passing to Jeremy & he really pushed me this last year to get my license out of retirement & complete my CEU's so that I could be there. I was totally excited about the idea of going to camp but as the time neared I started to doubt my decision. You see, I haven't used my nursing license. I graduated nursing school & immediately started having babies. I've been pregnant or breastfeeding for the past 19years. I've continued to do research & learn many things about nursing but I've never gotten paid for all the skills I've used on my own children & our farm animals.

As my week got closer I started to get more nervous. I began to think about all the things I haven't done in the last 19 years. I started to dream about things like calculating dosages, feeding tubes, and diabetic pumps & running around trying to save all the campers from weird sicknesses that no one had ever heard of. I was definitely doubting my abilities but I knew that there would be 4 other nurses there to lean on if I needed.

When I arrived on Sunday afternoon I was nervous & excited but more excited than anything else. I met the other nurses that I'd be working with & got the low down on our responsibilities-didn't sound too hard. We set up to check in the camper's meds, put the meds into the daily med cases, & alphabetized them in the cupboards. I moved a little slowly at first because I was triple checking my doses & names but I got in the groove & my nervous energy dissipated. 

The first morning dawned bright & early & I headed over to the nurse's station. We handed out morning meds & the kids started trickling in to get bandaids & bug paste. Those little sweeties stole my heart the first day! The homesick ones that just needed a hug until they started to have fun, the ones that smile & wave as we drove the golf cart with the coolers of water, the ones that fell down & needed bandages, & the ones we saw multiple times a day for meds. I didn't realize how quickly they would imbed themselves into my heart & not only the campers but the counselor too! I started thinking of them as MY kids! I checked on them throughout the week & worried about the ones that were still sad or had a tummy ache. I connected with so many kids even if it was just a high five, a smile & wave or a hug!

I worked from 7am to 10:30pm every day! I could have taken a break but I didn't want to miss a thing! I ate most of my meals in the nurse's station or on the run as I cared for the campers. I had the most fun I've had in such a long time! There were fun stories & hilarious stories. The kids made us laugh all day long! I gave some common sense-mom advice to the counselors on how to handle some tough campers & I comforted the counselors & campers that were injured in all their fun. It rained a lot but we still had a blast. 

I made new friends in the other nurses that I got to work with! We laughed so much! There is a tradition at camp that the counselors come up with funny things that happen during the week & make them into T-shirts- we came up with a few ourselves: (overheard) "Jesus suffered more than this, we're going back to the cabin", "my feet hurt, bandage me", "When was the last time you pooped?", "Where is your water bottle?", "Bandaids solve everything", "Open the window before you talk", "What is that funk?", "Can you tell me what this is?"

My memories will be forever tattooed with: my homesick birthday buddy, the boy that just didn't want to walk, the poltergeist puker, the wilderness boys' foot funk, the airsoft pellet I popped out of a gal's eye (no joke-totally awesome!!!), the "no peanut but thought it was" Epi-pen ER visit, the biggest bloody nose I've ever seen during bubble wars, the over zealous WWE skit gone bad on the counselor's shoulder, magic tricks in the down time, golf cart water stations runs, hometown kids check-in, poison ivy, the almost seizure & trip to Urgent Care, "bandage me", "Klemmer" & Adam with an A, boxes of sheets to launder, the chipped tooth that "isn't a cavity because I ate sugar & it didn't hurt", meds that taste like turtle-because he just held a turtle, the majesty of the monarch butterflies everywhere that added to the magic of camp, the tower specialist that got a break from the heat, the last minute lice checks, seeing my own kids as they ran by, fireworks in the rain & all the inside jokes with the fantastic counselors. 

My mind is still wondering how they are today even though I got home yesterday. I miss their little smiles & I'm kinda sad that I won't be there tomorrow to welcome a new group to camp with the counselors. BY THE WAY: counselors are SAINTS! They have so much to deal with besides herding kids to their next activity! I'll be praying for them this week for sure.

I will DEFINITELY be doing this every year! It was so great & well worth the tiredness I have today!!! Can't wait for next year! I wish I had taken pictures!

The last BEST thing that happened was that I was asked to come back next year by 2 counselors at separate times saying that I was the best nurse they have had this summer! My heart was soaring!

A teacher made me cry today

This is my Sage. He's 17yo. He's 6'4". He's 240#. He's artistic. He loves children. He loves music. He loves anime. He's a junior. If you're lucky he will hug you (I would pay for a hug from him & not just because he is my son). He is has been dubbed a "gentle giant" by more than a few people.

He also loves to be alone. He is anxious about the future, driving, being late, doing something wrong, & not understanding what's going on. Many lights bother him.  Crowds make his skin crawl. He's dyslexic, dysgraphic, dynomic, has dyscalcula, & has Aspergers. Life in school is challenging to say the least.

Background: When Sage was in the 8th grade, we enrolled him in public school part time so that he could learn that the world isn't scary. It helped but he is still very anxious about things. He went full time for his freshman year & the 1st semester of his sophomore year. Then, we went back to half time homeschool, half time public school. During this time Sage has had FANTASTIC teachers that have been so accomodating & help to draw him out of himself & into the world around him.

This year we were a little nervous. His special ed teacher took a job at the middle school & I so his anchor in his day was gone. His new teacher called me & emailed before school started. I read her bio that she emailed me & I was excited. She has previously worked at DMACC for 17 years helping people get their GED's. I'm imaging that she will be instrumental in helping Sage to find his bent. She will be a valuable asset to learning what might be available at DMACC or elsewhere for Sage to excel at. There are trades that we don't even know about that he might love.

Disclaimer: Please don't read this & think that I am discounting college for my son. I know my child. He would hate college. He is incredibly smart but academia isn't where he will excel. He knows this. We know this. It isn't bad. It's great to know where your niche is.

This last Monday was Parent Meet the Teacher Night at the high school. I have 3 high schoolers & we go to a small high school so I already know most of the teachers. I had a goal of meeting the special ed teacher & some of the new teachers that I hadn't met yet. I wanted to give certain teachers a heads up about Sage & his accomodations. Everything was going great & I'd seen the teachers I wanted to see. I had one more left. Sage's English teacher.

I walked into her room & there were books on every surface. The tables had about 75 books on them. At first I was excited because I love reading. It was like walking into a candy store. AND then my heart sank because I realized that Sage might have to read many of these books & write things about them. His teacher finished talking with another couple & then turned to me. We introduced ourselves & I started in on my rehearsed schpeel (no clue how to spell that). As we talked she let me know that she had a son named Kevin that was a lot like Sage. She had homeschooled her sons until high school & is still a homeschooler at heart. What she means by that is that she doesn't teach from a standard starting place for all the kids. Each child is at a different level & she teaches each kid from where they are at. They will grow. They will be ready for next year. They will be kind. Sage will leave this year thinking that his best subject is English.

I cried. She understood why. She told me that she knew exactly why I was tearing up. She has been there. Her son didn't know he was "dumb" until he went to public school because there is nothing to compare yourself to when you homeschool.  Neither did Sage. My sensitive son didn't know he was different until it was pointed out to him & now he can't forget it. He knows it everyday. He's sweet & kind & wants to please everyone & I can't make it better when the obvious chasm between his abilities & others is highlighted with every assessment or daily assignment. But this teacher, this mom, can help him daily. She promised me. She's already planning ways for him to succeed. SO, I cried when I don't normally cry. My mama heart got a pretty little bandage in the form of hope from this wonderful teacher that my son gets the privilege of learning from all year long. She will speak to his soul & be another person that God has sent to build him up & draw him out into the world around him.

Amazing To Look Back

Everyone has those times in their lives when it's eye opening to look back & remember how far they have come. These past 2 weeks extended me that opportunity, you see, I left my 15yo son at boot camp.

Some of you are thinking, "15! What in the world! He must be one of those bad kids that the parents put in military training." Nope. Two of my sons are member of the Iowa Sea Cadets program. This fantastic program is for kids ages 10-18 & allows them opportunities to see what military life will be like while taking part in amazing experiences such as Coast Guard Training, military medical training, Blackhawks, Field Operations, scuba certification &more.

Anyway, my 15yo was signed up to attend Recruit Training this summer. He had been told by other cadets that it would be awful- he would hate it & he was a little scared.  A couple of days before we left he had started bargaining with me, "If you let me stay home I will get a job & give you all my money for a whole year." Then, the day of it was, "You can't make me do this. I won't get out of the van." We pulled through the security check & I could see it on his face. He was petrified. We pulled into the designated parking lot. He couldn't move. We sat there for 10 min while the little kids asked why he wouldn't get out of the car. Finally I knew that I had to make him do this or he would regret it forever. I opened my van door, stepped out, opened his door & told him to unbuckle. It seems like it took 3 minutes. I told him to step out of the vehicle. He would not. I told him that unless he got out on his own accord, I would go get his CO & they would remove him. To say he was angry would be an understatement. I unloaded his sea bag that I'd packed for him & walked with him towards the check in table. A man in military dress stopped me at the sidewalk & let me know that parents weren't allowed past the garbage can & I'd need to say my goodbyes now. I tried to hug him & whisper words of support in his ear but he wasn't having that. He was mad & slightly embarrassed. I turned & went back to my van.

As we drove out through the security gate I was reflective. I just made my scared 15yo do something that he was either going to hate me for or he was going to love me for it. I've known his entire life that he is destined for a job full of adrenaline; fireman, policeman, race car driver, military man. I'm just hoping that his fear won't get in the way of his experience. Jeremy knew my mood. He asked me when I was going to speak again & how long I was going to feel guilty. I honestly didn't know. That night I slept for about 3 1/2 hours and not in one sitting.

The next day, the CO began posting pictures of all the recruits on Facebook. It was great to see his shaved head but I could still see the anger in his eyes. I was hoping he hadn't lain in bed all night wondering why his mama was making him do this when I was supposed to love him. The next couple of days I stalked that Facebook page 2 or 3 times a day keeping my eyes peeled for any glimpse of my son. I wonder if he's sleeping? Is he remembering to take his meds? Is he eating or is his sensory issues getting in the way? Does he hate me or is he having fun? I can't tell from the pictures because all the recruits look so serious.

Graduation day was July 4th which I think is fantastic! What better way to spend my Independence Day than with the men & women that make my freedom possible. I was awake very early. I got all my littles ready. We headed out to be there early & get a good seat. I couldn't wait to see him. My stomach was in knots while sitting in that metal chair waiting for the ceremony to begin. Alpha company comes in. Bravo company comes in, & finally Charlie company. There he is. There is my baby. My eyes well up in tears & my throat is now the size of a baseball. My heart is pumping a million miles a minute. I watch & I try to listen but all I can do is stare into the face of my son who is also staring straight ahead as he is supposed to. They announce the CO's, the cadets that volunteered to help during the week, & the awards that each company earned. Brody won the Physical Readiness Award for Charlie Company. I am so proud.

Finally the ceremony is over & we are free to go to him. I get to hug him for a couple of seconds & no one else because he is in his dress uniform. We take some pictures, we gather his stuff, & we head for the van after making a plan to head to Hickory Park Restaurant because he is starving. He glowed the whole way home. He talked non stop about all the experiences he'd had. In my head I knew that I was right. He LOVED it. It was exactly what he wanted to do.

When we finally arrive at home Jeremy asks Brody if he learned anything. His response was not what I expected. He said that Freedom of Speech is really important. I'm thinking "What? 12 days of boot camp & you're thinking about Constitutional stuff?" "When you have to be silent for 12 days, unless spoken to, you learn how wonderful it is to be able to say what you want & how important that is."
Well, that's good. But I wanted more. I was hoping for more. He then added, "I also learned that I'm a jerk. I treat our family like my DI's treated us & I don't want to be a jerk anymore." I'm quite sure that ANGELS were singing! I almost cried from that statement but I was fishing for more. I needed to know that he didn't hate me. I asked him about his first night, did he sleep, was he mad at me, etc. He said that it was easy to sleep because he was exhausted. He started out mad but he realized that he missed me. He said that he knows why military guys get a tattoo of MOM on their arm. I told him that I was OK with him getting a MOM tattoo; I'd take him right now! He was shocked for sure. That lead to a whole other discussion about getting a tattoo...

I want you to know that although I was excited to hear that Brody has decided to join the Marines after high school, the thing I loved the most was the 2 weeks after he got back. Why? Brody was happy. He was sweet to his siblings. He asked me to snuggle with him while we watched a show on the tv-EVERYDAY! This might sound like no big deal to many people but when you have a kid that has struggled his whole life with various diagnosis of Aspergers, sensory problems, ODD, ADD, & dyslexia, you don't get many good days. There is always something to send him reeling which sends the whole family into a tailspin. This experience was a win. 5 years ago we didn't have many things to cheer about with Brody. He had grown so much physically & emotionally.  There were years that I worried about whether or not he would survive & thrive in life as an adult. My very real concerns have been alleviated substantially. I can't wait to see what's in store for him now.

Instant Recall-turn it off

I'm writing this because it's all I can think about. I'm praying for 7 little children that I met & I'll probably never see again. Here's how it went:

Today was a busy day. Lots was accomplished before noon by our whole family. This afternoon we were excited to head to eastern Iowa to attend Leah's graduation open house. Family functions are always fun when you've got cousins to play with & talk to. The only fly in my cream was that the AC in our van conked out on Thursday & today was predicted to be 94 degrees. My solution was that we would give the kids big bowls of ice to keep their laps & mouths cool while we hit the open road. Jeremy decided to add 2 coolers with ice also. Did I mention this would be the first time my 11 person family would ride in our van together?

Jeremy wanted to get some computer work done so I drove Clifford the Big Red Van. We had all the normal chaos of our rides & wondering how long til we get there. I noticed another big van pass us & looked to see how many kids I could see inside. About half an hour into our 3 hour drive Jeremy motioned for me to move to the other lane because he saw a tractor further up the road. Being the dutiful wife, I signaled & moved over. What happened next was terrifying & in slow motion in my mind.

The 15 passenger van that just passed us hit the truck following the tractor & spun around with glass & twisted metal. I hit the brakes while checking my mirrors & wondering if I could stop fast enough without hitting them too. I don't remember pulling over. I don't remember stopping. I see a picture of the driver getting out of the front seat & running to the crushed passenger door. I see my feet hitting the ground after checking behind me for on coming traffic. I see a little boy climbing out of the driver's door with blood pouring down his face. I'm calling to him to come to me. His name is B. I tell him he's hurt & I need him to lay down in the grass. I'm holding his forehead together & calling for Jeremy to bring the cooler of ice, blankets, towels, pillows, whatever. I'm signaling for help. 

The man behind our van comes & gives me his shirt to help staunch the blood. Now more little kids are being lined up on the grass next to me. Brody is there & I ask him to put pressure on B's head while I assess the other kids. B's sister's hips hurt & she has no scrapes. Her abdomen is soft & she wants her mama. I tell her she is brave & give her my sunglasses to keep the sun out of her eyes while I check her toes & fingers for feeling. E has a contusion on his face & a scrape on his leg but he's so quiet I'm worried that he's hurt elsewhere. I have him lay on the blanket next to his brother whose back hurts. He doesn't hurt anywhere else & I tell him he must lay very still until the paramedics come. He isn't wearing a shirt. Little R & her sister have seat belt injuries & I'm worried about internal bleeding for Little R. They are a family of 10 children but only 7 are in the van.

Other drivers that are stopped are bringing umbrellas to shade them while they lay in the grass & sun. We are putting ice on the bruises & bumps. I have Julia get my oils & put Lavender on the little ones to help calm them. I'm trying to give directions & keep the crying children calm. I'm not sure if their dad is hurt but he's trying to walk back & forth in the ditch comforting his children as best he can. He says he looked back for just a second...

The man driving the truck has a laceration on the back of his head. Another driver is assisting him & I stay with the kids. There are so many helpful people around them. Finally the police & 2 ambulances arrive. I gave the paramedics the triage info. They start doing the same assessments that I just did which reassures me that I haven't forgotten my skills from nursing school. The police ask all the helpers to leave but I still feel like I need to stay. How can I leave these scared children? They begin to put them into ambulances. They are going to different hospitals depending on their injuries. I still don't want to leave.I still have B's blood all over my hands. I get some wipes from the Ambulance.

I get into the van. Brody tells me that there were 3 other nurses & a doctor that stopped with us. Jeremy gave the sheriff our numbers. The policeman says that the truck is leaking gas & they disconnected the battery just in case. It took a lot of wipes to get the blood off my hands & wrists & feet but I can't get the images out of my brain. I wasn't very chatty at the open house. The whole thing is on instant replay in my mind.

I'll probably never see them again but I'm praying for B & E & R & all the rest of them. 

Pausing in the Rain

It's raining today- off & on -and it should be. Now I can sit wrapped up in my quilt & listen to the rain with some hot cocoa. (I have the a/c turned up so that it matches my memories of Oregon weather). The reason I want to sit like this is because my Grammie died after her body succumbed to liver cancer, so rain-like in Oregon, the quilt she made me for graduation, & hot cocoa like she would make me while camping as a kid are all part of my plan.

I knew it was coming. They sent me a text last week. When you live thousands of miles away from your relatives, Facebook is the greatest for communication but completely insufficient when it comes to saying goodbye to your grandmother. I don't know if it makes it easier to live far away or harder. I get to remember her as she was not as she was at the end, but I didn't get to hug her. I haven't hugged her in more than 3yrs.

How do you say goodbye to a woman that was so integral in your childhood that even though you only lived in the area as her for 10yrs, you still feel very close to her? Well, my way is to remember all that I can about her & share that with my children. I contacted all my cousins & collected some of their memories to put together & that was fun. I hope that when Aunt Marci read them to her, they brought a smile to her heart just like she brings a smile to my heart when I hear about her.

I have to go now. The rain started again. 

Live In The Moment Occasionally

Have you ever just sat down & watched your kids? Noticed the little things that others might miss in the hurried pace of life? When I was a young mom I was so excited to get my babies to the next step in their development. (I may or may not have actually been checking it off of the list the pediatrician gave to me while simultaneously marveling at the sheer intelligence & physical prowess of my babies as they exceeded almost all of the important milestones. Now I've been told I'm an old mom-can you believe that! I guess with age comes a hope of maturity & I've noticed that I do some things a little differently than when I was a "young" mom. 

One of the major changes has been that I no longer jump to check things off that developmental list. I celebrate each milestone but I now enjoy each tiny little thing they learn. The utter joy in their face when they accomplish something new is something so easy to overlook. Here's a list of my "joys" I've been noticing lately:

 * the tiny slap of my 10mo old's palm on the floor as she crawls along with her cute little diaper bum & the wonderfully varied facial expressions she uses.
 * the way my 2yo cocks his head to the side when he's observing something he's never encountered before & the hilarious things he says. I love how he tries to join in our conversations by telling us important things about his day or just quotes a movie line that usually makes sense to the situation.
 * my 4yo wants so badly to be just like her big sisters & is trying to emulate their styles now instead of only wearing pants & any old shirt like last year & her tiny fingers as she grasps pencils & crayons to "do school" just like her older siblings.
 * my 6yo looks for the beauty in every situation, listens before she enters a conversation, & her eyes are gorgeous to watch. I love the way she moves her hair back behind her ear with her hand when she's telling me something she's excited about.
 * my 8yo is caught between wanting to be a big & the familiarity of being a little so he is feeling frustrated most days. He holds his bangs in his palm when he concentrates really hard.
 * my 11yo is so fast to learn things. She started playing the flute 3 months ago & amazes me that she can play so well already. Watching her fingers move & her mouth shape as she plays is so interesting.
 * my 13yo has made some big strides since joining the public school crowd. I've seen him start to figure out how to put himself in other people's shoes & his ears turn bright red when he's excited.
 * the biggest thing I know about my 14yo is that he's bigger than me. I have to be on my toes to rest my chin on his shoulder. He's just realizing his strength (which is now stronger than me! I know, it's hard to believe!) His heart & sensitivity to all parts of life around him is something I'd like to encourage & I hope he doesn't lose as he gets older.

Take the time to notice the little things about your family

Aspergers, Underpants, & Jesus

Alright, so some of you know that I have 2 kids with Aspergers. We don't walk around advertising it & you might never know by just observing our family. But I thought I'd give you an example how life can be. 

One particular child has outgrown or put holes in all but one pair of underpants (and failed to tell me until the last pair had been worn for AN ENTIRE WEEK!). I asked said child what style of underpants I should purchase to replace these with and headed out to get this accomplished so the stanky ones can be fumigated or whatever.

Sunday morning, Valentines Day, underpants given to child. Child puts them on. They are WRONG! Activate stress meter. Are you kidding me! I bought the correct style. I bought tagless ones to avoid that war. I tried to find soft ones. I tried to anticipate EVERY MAJOR DETERRENT to said underpants. 

FAIL!!!!!!

By the end of the morning this child couldn't attend church. Life wasn't worth living-serious. And just so you know, by the end of the hour long melt down I was enlightened to the fact that I don't love Jesus & neither do ya'll. 

You didn't know purchasing underpants could be spiritually detrimental, did you?

I'm headed back to WalMart where spiritual decisions must be made AGAIN. 

A New Normal

Everyday I sit in my house & look out my windows at the current seasonal beauty and I can't imagine myself anywhere else. I am not the type of person that needs to get out of the house every day. In fact I don't really like to leave the house. I prefer to stay here & when I feel the need to get away, I head to the barn to work-which I can usually do alone because kids volunteer to watch babies in the house when work is suggested :)

BUT, we enrolled our oldest 3 children in the local middle school in Dec rather than educating them at home as we have been for their entire school career. So, now I have the privilege of leaving my home at least once a day to drive to school. (My fantastic neighbor takes 2 of them to school at 730 am & brings them home so I only have to take one to school mid-morning) You wouldn't think that's a big deal until you realize that I have to prepare to leave my house 30 minutes in advance! I have 5 kids ages 8 & under to prepare for venturing forth into below freezing temps. That's 10 gloves, 5 hats, 10 boots, 10 socks, 5 coats to find & put on them amidst all the other people's stuff in the closet. Not only that but you have to get them out the door & buckled in to their car seats before they start to take them off & you have to find them again. 

Anyway, I was talking about leaving the house. My sister told me a couple of years ago that she has to leave the house everyday. She is a great teacher so she gets out for that but during the summer she likes to be out doing things. I thought that was different but recently I was talking with some other women who feel the same way. Apparently I'm the different one :) It wears me out to go to the grocery store on Fridays & it's even worse if I have to do it on a Saturday when the store is packed. EVEN if I don't talk to anyone but the checker. And since we moved to the country & because I have boys that are sensitive to lights & sound I now notice how loud everything in town AND I HAVE 8 KIDS so you'd think I would be used to the noise!

Maybe I'm getting older & this is part of getting old. I don't remember being this way when I was younger. I remember being around people was so great & I couldn't wait to leave my house & the bigger the group the better. I know that I started to change my thinking around my junior year.

Maybe I just never knew how my body craves quiet & calm & now that I have it I understand. Don't get me wrong. I like people. I need friends just like everyone else but not on a daily basis. 

Do you prefer to stay home? 

"You need a little Serenity in your life!"

Throughout this pregnancy I've done what I normally do. I make out lots of lists of names to run past Jeremy in the hopes that we will make a decision that we can agree on. I think Jeremy takes great pleasure in nixxing all my suggestions until the very last week before our babies are due. I like names that aren't common. After being "Katie B" in every class I've ever been in, I decided my kids could be their own person with their own name. This time I liked decidedly older names: Madge, Mavis, Reuban, York, Lincoln, Hezekiah, Vaughn, Liberty, Wilder. Of course, we weren't close enough to our due date for Jeremy to agree with any names.

On Tuesday, June 16th, I was super busy. We were doing lots of running around and by the time I was putting the littles to bed I realized that I hadn't really felt the baby move the whole day. I was not a very patient mama as I finished getting the kids into bed. I was very anxious to get to my room so I could eat some chocolate & concentrate on getting the baby to move. By the time Jeremy got home from work at 1015pm, I was a mess. You see, I haven't really enjoyed this pregnancy like I did with my others. Last spring my friend lost her baby a couple weeks before she was due. And I was exposed to Fifths Disease by 5 of my kids in the beginning of my pregnancy. And then in May, my friends' baby died at 7wks from SIDS. To add to this, the baby hardly moved at all compared to my others. Much of the time I was consumed with fear for this baby. 

Well, we headed to the ER. Of course, as soon as they hooked her up on the monitors, the baby was more wiggly than she'd ever been the entire pregnancy.  The wanted to keep me overnight & do blood work & an ultrasound in the morning. As Dr Swanson said, "Everything happens for a reason." The ultrasound was just great & she looked good-I found out the baby is a girl! The blood work came back not so great. It's a little confusing to explain. Both Jeremy & I are A+ blood types but under that Rh positive there are some antigens that I don't have & Jeremy does. Because my blood doesn't have these antigens, my blood creates antibodies to fight & destroy them if they are present in my body. The blood work found that Jeremy had passed these antigens on to our baby & my body was readying for attack. So, my body was about to kill all the red blood cells in the baby's body. That's really bad!

SO...we needed to be induced! I headed home Wed to prepare to for an induction on Friday. Sage's birthday is also on that day & he was super excited to share his birthday with his new sibling. We went back to the hospital after getting ready, making arrangements for our other kids, & packing a hospital bag. The nurses & doctor were very kind. I was a little nervous but they all thought I'd deliver quickly because this would be my 8th delivery. APPARENTLY NOT! She wasn't born until SATURDAY! And let me tell you, being induced is AWFUL! Super painful. I'm normally a kinda quiet laborer. I might groan or grunt a little but I was yell praying very loudly. I've delivered naturally-no meds but I was tempted to get an epidural but I didn't want the baby to be groggy from meds if they had to give her a transfusion as soon as she was born. I already had an IV because I was also GBS positive. Not a fan of inductions! Usually after I deliver I get this 24hr burst of energy & this time I was falling asleep sitting up after only 30min after delivering. I've never felt so exhausted. My body was NOT ready to have a baby yet. Plus, I'm getting older apparently. :)

I finally delivered a beautiful little girl at 214am. We still hadn't come up with a name because she was 3wks early.  After having multiple blood tests, bilirubin tests, & checks by pediatricians & NICU nurses, we finally got to go home. I am breathing easier but still not able to take a deep breathe until we get the all clear. Hopefully we get that at her 2wk appt. 

Oh, about a month ago, Jeremy was talking to me as he put his shoes on to go out & do chores or go to work. He said, "Maybe we should name the baby Serenity." I asked him why? He said, "I think you need a little Serenity in your life!" She is definitely the littlest of my babies BY 3#! We left the hospital with her weighing 5#12oz. So, she is my little Serenity! I hope she lives up to her name. 

So, now I have 8 kids just like my grandparents & that excites me! Plus, 8 is my favorite number!

Spring Baby Love

Well, it's been a great couple of months for us! We've been so excited for our first spring to welcome babies onto our farm. We started out with our bottle lambs from last year delivering babies of their own this winter! We got 11 lambs from those sweet bottle lambs from last year! We had 3 sets of twins & 5 singles. The kids had great fun naming them. The deal we made was that each one got to name the lambs from their ewe. There were some definite themes going on!
  Sage named Scooby's lamb Gabriel (he's perfectly white & looks like an angel)
  Brody named SugarMama's twins Luke & Bennett after his cousin & friend
    Oreo also had twins but they were premature & died shortly after birth.
  Julia named Chocolate Sprinkles' twins Olaf & Sven
  Corbin named Cowgirl's twins TumTum & Shivers
  Celeste named Cinderella's lamb Flynn Ryder (all her animals have Disney names)
  Glory & I named Hershey Kisses' lamb Reese's Pieces

Olaf got to spend a week in our living room because he was so tiny & he couldn't figure out how to suck. He's our bottle baby this year. 

We also added a couple more bottle babies except these aren't lambs. We got our first bottle calves. Julia & Corbin will be showing bottle calves at the fair this year. We now have 2 holstein steers named Marshmellow (yes, spelled Mellow) & Cordona Stumpy. Corbin named his after his favorite John Wayne movie characters.

This brings the count to:
  3 horses: April, Daisy & Maggie
  4 peacocks: Peaches & 3 boys
  4 steers: Tank & Duke (Angus & cross) & Marshmellow & Cordona
  1 Ram: Ramalamadingdong
  11 ewes: Sugar Mama, Cinderella. Granny, Oreo, Cowgirl, Cowgirl Colt, Emerald, Sprinkles, Kisses, Scooby, & Snickers
  6 lambs: Reese, Flynn, Olaf, Sven, Gabriel, & Luke
  1 dog: Buzz
  6 cats: Nermal, Snowflake, Snowball, Pirate, Boomer, & Ariel
  2 rabbits: Lily & Oliver 
  ~120 roosters & laying hens

I think our little hobby farm is off & running. My sister asked me how I was doing all this. Obviously I grew up just as "city" as she did. Well, I've read a lot, learned by trial & error, attended a few classes that Iowa State Extension office has offered & we ask our neighbors, relatives & friends a lot of questions. We are having a blast learning & playing. 

  

Crazy busy

So, I know that everyone is busy but I dislike being crazy busy. I only like to have 1 thing on my agenda that is out of the norm. Preferably 1 thing per week. I'm perfectly content to stay home & leave only on occasion. So, for all you who would like to see A Day In The Life Of Katie, here was yesterday.

I woke up at 5am to feed Zebulun. I fell back to sleep but woke up to being pushed off the bed by a 1 & 2 year old.
- I got up, put my farm clothes on, arranged for the bigs to care for the littles, started a load of laundry & went outside.
-I penned up the ewe that is so strange we call her Stupid because we think she might be pregnant and it would be just like her to drop her lamb during the cold, rainy night. 
- I checked the hens & rooster for mites because we treated them on Monday & I wanted to see how my all natural cure was working. FABULOUS SUCCESS! Then, I let out all the clean chickens & checked the feed & water.
-I gave 2 bales of hay to the 4 horses, checked the water (which was, of course, full because of all the rain)
-I gave the sheep hay & checked their water. Monitored Sugar Mama who injured her foreleg.
-Fed the 6 cats, fed & watered the dog, played fetch with said dog
-Fed & watered the 4 peacocks we acquired on Monday.

Then, I came back inside to take a quick shower, got dressed, switched the laundry, & went upstairs to start breakfast.
-cleaned our Berkey
-I fed all the littles some eggs & yogurt, cleaned up that mess & started cleaning the kitchen & picking up the mess they all created while I was outside.
-Got Brody started on school, started Sage & Corbin on their chores, planned what to make for dinner for all of us & to take to one of my very dearest friends that just had a major knee surgery (everything but the ACL was torn off her knee & dislocated!)
-Found a GF dessert to make for my friend.
-Helped Brody with school work he didn't quite get.
-Started Julia on school.
-switched laundry over
-all the while I'm keeping Zeb & Glory out of whatever they are in, climbing on, or pulling apart
-I email a couple of things for 4H
-Gma Glenna stopped by to see us after her vacation & time with Gma Sparks
-started lunch & cleaned up the kitchen again
-put the littles down for a nap & the bigs had to have rest time
-Switched over the laundry again & sent Julia down to separate into piles 
-Started Sage on his school work & then helped him with the things he didn't understand
-helped Celeste with her workbook that she loves! 
-swept & picked up the living room
-started the GF dessert, served a snack to littles, started the lamb chops grilling, peeled potatoes, mashed the potatoes, cooked the green beans, packaged food for delivery to Jeremy (working long hours this week to get ready for GRAND OPENING of the new church facility) & my friend
-fed the kids & rushed out the door to deliver big boys to youth group, food to friends, pick up rx at Walgreens, return movie to the library & go to the Sprint Store to pick up Jeremy's replacement phone. 
-Of course there were 4 people in line so I didn't wait that long before 2 littles had to use the bathroom. No public bathrooms available. SOOOO, I get in the truck & drive to ALDI's. While I'm there I might as well pick up some essentials I'm out of. Get through the bathroom & through the check out line only to realize Jeremy has my debit card & they don't take checks or credit cards. GREAT! We exit ALDI's without food while Glory is crying "I want my foodies". Get the 5 kids loaded & buckled again when a very kind man asks if he can buy my groceries for me. He tells me it must be hard to take 5 cute kids shopping & insists & goes in to purchase my forgotten cart. I write him a check & we load up after profusely thanking the man & head home...without Jeremy's phone. 
-Did I mention that through this whole ordeal I'm smelling baby poop but I changed him at my friend's house before I left. I realize that said baby poop is on my shirt! So I was walking through ALDI's, in the Sprint store & other places with baby poop on my shirt, a handkerchief over my hair because it is CRAZY frizz, my face is broken out like I've reverted to the teen years again & I didn't make time to put any makeup on.
-I get home, unload kids, unload groceries, send Julia & Corbin outside to do the animal chores, put PJ's on babies, read them a story, nurse Zeb, & get Julia & Corbin off to bed in time for Jeremy to come home with Sage & Brody. Get Brody his meds, & remind them to brush their teeth, shower, switch the laundry & set another load to start in 9hrs, rewrite an email for Jeremy that he then says he doesn't like my wording on & fall into bed.

I think I've forgotten some things like settling arguments, redressing Glory "the naked girl" a few times, changing some diapers, etc. And I know I forgot to do school with Corbin AND he didn't remind me! ;) Oh, I did have some muscle spasms in my shoulder & Brody applied some White Fir essential oil & massaged it for me.

I've taken too much time on the computer now. I need to get back on my laundry PTHTHTHTH!

Processing it all...

So, I was driving through town today in our Suburban & had a flash back moment from this past weekend. My heart sped up & I felt the panic rise in my belly. You see, this past weekend, we almost lost our daughter. The story goes like this:

Friday, June 20th we had a really fun barn party. We invited friends that we needed to thank for all the help in building our fabulous new barn & some that we needed to thank for helping us move to our acreage & neighbors. It was GREAT! We bar-b-q'd, had chicken races, homemade ice cream, great conversations, and more. Plus, it was Jeremy & I's 16th anniversary. 

The following day was filled with egg deliveries & all the little chores you need to do normally on a hobby farm.  I was just starting dinner & sat on the couch to ask Jeremy a question.  Glory was standing on a chair at the table getting her drink. She knocked the glass onto the floor & it broke. She slipped off the chair & landed on the broken glass. Brody, who had been standing next to her, hollered to me that she was bleeding. I walked the few feet over to her, turned her around & cursed. 

My kids know that I curse when we are headed to the emergency room. But his time, I cursed 3 TIMES! I grabbed her up & had to hold her insides in. I could see past all the layers of skin & through the muscles. THROUGH THE MUSCLES! I yelled for everyone to get in the car & for Jeremy to drive. He told me to just go (meaning don't wait for the other kids to get in the car) so I explained to him that I needed to hold her together.

We called 911, we called the hospital & told them we were speeding & the route we were taking. We treated red lights like stop signs. All the while Glory was going into shock & vomiting all over my leg multiple times while I tried to hold her sideways while clutching at her mid section. What 2yo wants to be held in a funny position, squeezed & vomit while driving? She startied out crying & pleading with me to let go & take the rag off that I'd grabbed out of the drawer on the way out. I couldn't make her understand. But when she just layed there with her eyes drifting shut, that was scarier. I asked her questions about what she liked more swings or slides, chickens or sheep, what's her sheep's name, etc. She stopped answering; but she was still awake.

When we got to the hospital I wanted everyone to move as fast as I was & I was trying to be calm but I felt like punching the registration lady in the face. Nurse Shelley was fantastic. She understood. She didn't wait. She got busy. Since we called ahead the doctor was already waiting & a surgeon walked in after just a couple minutes. They started 2 IV's. The peds doc came in & stayed. They did a portable chest xray to see if her lung was perforated. It looked good. They gave her a 200cc bolus of fluids. Within a very short time they told us that Glory would have to go to Blank Children's Hospital because she had a "life threatening injury". Those words actually echoed in my ears.

You might notice that the above paragraph, minus the punching the registrar in the face, was somewhat clinical. See, I'm a nurse & when my kids are hurt, I go into nurse mode. It's easier to get done what needs to be done if you aren't as emotional. Not that nurses aren't emotional, but they aren't having to work on their own hearts personified in the little one sitting on the gurney. At the moment that doctor told me it was life threatening & they were sending the Life Flight Helicopter, I struggled to keep it together. I couldn't finish singing the songs to keep her calm while they put in another IV & took blood & monitored her heart. Then, they explained that I might not be able to go in the helicopter. I would have to hand my baby over to strangers while they rush her to surgery in another city & I couldn't hold her or say goodbye or be her comfort in the midst of all things scary & new.  

I tried not to lose it. I had to think. I had to answer questions. I had to get my other kids taken care of. I had to plan 2 different scenarios of action should I get to fly or not. Jeremy & Zeb needed to come. I would need to feed Zeb soon but I had to stay with Glory. Should I send Jeremy or would weight be a factor in the flight so I should go? Add in about 30 other weird thoughts that enter your mind, like who will do animal chores & make sure Sage turns off the water to the cattle? 

The Pediatric Flight team from Blank came to our hospital to take her in the ambulance to the little airport in town to fly us to Des Moines. My heart was pounding through my chest while I patiently waited to ask if I could fly with my baby. I didn't even hesitate when they asked my weight. Thank God, He answered my prayers! One of the paramedics stayed back so that I could fly with the Pediatric Team.  

I had no time to be pondering the fun of my first ambulance ride & helicopter ride. I feel like time stopped or was in slow motion at various points. The ambulance ride felt like 2 min tops. The helicopter flight, maybe 5-I know it was 15 because they said it would be a 15 minute flight on the head phones. Glory got blood in the helicopter. Her lips turned grey & her skin was mottled & paler than normal (cause as it was pointed out many times, I am rather pale normally). I had signed the papers okaying a blood transfusion if necessary but it was still shocking that IT WAS NECESSARY!

I forgot to mention that the paramedic that helped in the ambulance on the way to the airport was so great! I have the feeling that if I saw him in public, I would only have minor qualms about rushing up to him & hugging him. In reality, I would just smile very big & say hello hoping he remembered us but inside I would be hugging him.  Laurie, on the other hand, I would run to to hug! She was the head flight nurse & she was INCREDIBLE! She put Glory at ease starting in the ER, she continued in the ambulance, the helicopter, and all the way to the trauma room. She has 6 kids so she knows how to talk to them. Then, she came to visit 3 or 4 times on the PICU. She even took Glory up to the roof to visit the helicopter a couple days later & have her picture taken. She is fantastic at her job & deserves a huge raise! I wish I could give it to her.

We were met on the roof by more people & police. I guess the police guard the helipad? We took the elevator down & were met by a team of about 10 trauma specialists. Blank is a teaching hospital so I knew some of them were learning but it was a little overwhelming. I started answering questions directed at Laurie & apologized quickly while putting my hand over my mouth. I had switched back to nurse mode in my head. The head trauma surgeon put me at ease & didn't make me feel badly for speaking up. He acknowledged that I was a nurse & asked me some questions. There was a lady there just to keep Glory calm & entertained. She had bubbles, toys, & an IPad with fun games. It didn't really work but she tried really hard. Jeremy arrived with Zeb & I knew that he must've sped a little but who could blame him. 

We walked along with the gurney to the surgery area but we had to stop at the doors. They told me I couldn't say goodbye. "Just walk away." A couple students took us to the waiting area which was deserted because it was late Saturday night & they don't schedule surgeries for that time. We were left alone. I was supposed to sit & wait for news. 

Jeremy deals with stress by eating. He called Jimmy Johns & ordered for the both of us even though I was nauseous. (He did a great job of reminding me to eat & drink the entire hospital stay) After 16 years of marriage & 3 years of dating, he knows me pretty well. I don't eat or drink when I'm stressed, or busy, or...let's just say it isn't a priority & if I was single with no kids my food bill would be really easy to budget. Anyway, Jeremy offers me a tshirt from his bag & I finally notice that my shirt is covered in blood & my pants are covered in vomit. I took them to the bathroom to change but I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was weird. It was like I needed to keep her blood near me just in case. I was kept busy for the next 2 hrs watching Zeb & trying to eat the sandwich Jeremy got for me. 

The surgeon finally arrived to tell us all about her surgery. The glass had missed her diagragm. Her ribs had done their job in protecting her lungs but one had a triangular knick out of it. Her artery next to her ribs was cut & that's why she was bleeding internally. That artery helped them to find the other damage. The fat that surrounds each organ was poking out of the hole in her side. When the investigated that they found that her stomach was perforated & needed to be fixed. He had to make a vertical incision from the bottom of her ribs all the way to her belly button in order to fix her stomach. But she's alive & we can go see her.

Finally we got to go up to the PICU to see her. But we had to wait in the family room until they got her situated. They took her breathing tube out but she was still on oxygen. She looked so puffy & tiny in that big bed. Her nurse was one of 11 kids. She was great all night long. She gave me some scrubs to change into & I showered in Glory's room. I forgot how comfy scrubs are! Jeremy & I took turns sleeping with her in that big bed. Well, as much sleeping as you can do when your baby has just had emergency surgery & is connected to machines that beep constantly & nurses come in every hour to check her vitals. I think I fell asleep between 430 & 630am. 

Funny thing, Glory is a very insightful child. She could tell within 15 sec of meeting a nurse or doctor if they were going to be good or not. And danged if she wasn't right every time. If she spoke to them, they were in. If she just stared at them, we knew that they were having a bad day or not really a kid person. We had 2 fantastic nurses named Amy & Chelsy. The other ones were ok & some of them must've been having a bad day. She had a bunch of docs but her favorite was her trauma doc Dr Swegle. She told him that the arm boards taped to her arms to keep her from bending them & pinching her IV's were her SUPER SHIELDS. So when he came in, he would say, "shields up" & she'd put her forearms up by her face. It was very cute. He said he'd never had anyone call them that before. You can tell she has big brothers. 

Another way God took care of us was that Zeb got to stay with us. Normally he wouldn't have been allowed to stay all night & there isn't enough room in the rooms for both mama & daddy let alone an infant requiring a crib. But they put her in the only double room so they had room for the gigantic crib & both of us. Even when they down graded her status from intensive care, we got to stay in that room unless it was needed-it wasn't. Plus. Zeb slept through the night for the first time every night we were there! I didn't have to worry about feeding him & noise & getting him to sleep while there. At home he sleeps with us but it is against hospital policy to co-sleep. I didn't want to make waves since they were already allowing him to stay but he never sleeps for over a couple hours in a crib.  Didn't even have to worry.

OK, this is getting long. So, I'll wrap it up. Thank goodness for the kids' play room, the wagons & riding cars to take walks, Frozen movie (I believe we watched in 9 times, could've been more), therapy dogs & their fun baseball cards, hot cocoa & popsicles, fun visitors, Gma & Gpa watching the other kids, cell phones to keep everyone in the prayer loop, helicopters & ambulances, doctors & nurses, & FANTABULOUS husbands.

I have a greater respect for many things. But that'll have to be another post. Go hug someone that you need & love. 

My explanation of essential oils

Most people don't know this about me but my sisters call me "Mother Earth".  We've all got our differences in personality but I am the one in the family that loves to learn about all the natural things God created for us.  I like to envision myself as a pioneer woman sometimes. I know it's silly but it's like all my favorite childhood books could actually come to life on my new acreage. I especially loved to read books about how someone would go into the woods, get some willow bark, boil it in a tea & bring down a fever. It's a beautiful combination of my nursing degree and my back to roots mentality. I've been investigating the many benefits of essential oils for a couple of years now but I finally took the pluge & joined the Young Living company around the holidays.

Essential oils are the natural extracts of plants.  We take those oils & use them to treat various problems we have. For instance, when I have a migraine I put peppermint oil on my temples & within 22 minutes that oil has reached every cell in my body. I get great relief & it's all natural! When Corbin gets congested we put some Breathe Again (combination of 4 different eucalyptus oils, peppermint, myrtle, & copaiba) on his chest & he is clear to breathe again in 20 min. It's fabulous! 

I think what finally sold me was that someone made the point that these oils were in the Bible. This isn't just some shaman, witch doctor kinda thing. They gave Frankincense to Jesus when he was born. That's an oil! God made these plants to heal & help us everyday. I don't know about you but I'd rather use a natural product than a chemical that can cause side effects & other problems later in life.

So, my goal is to replace all my medications in my medicine cabinet with oils. Tylenol, ibuprophen, cold meds, allergy pills, etc all gone & oils in their places. It's working great for our family. A big plus for me is that I when I'm pregnant I choose not to use any medications unless absolutely necessary. Which means I suffer through allergy season (I'm allergic to SO many environmental things). But, I can use the oils in and not suffer from April through the first hard frost in November!

If this sounds compelling to you or you'd like more information on trying some oils for yourself, please contact me. I'd love to talk about it with you.

This is it!

Picture this. First day of 8th grade for me at Calapooia Middle School. I enter my Advanced English class & sit down with my friends that I'd had for 2 whole years. ( the longest I went to any school was 3 years as we moved a lot) Our first assignment of the year is to interview a fellow classmate & then present the info the following day-cake for advanced English students, right?! The next day we all settle in for a fun time of learning new things about our friends & classmates. My friend Andi gets up & tells the class that when I grow up I want to be a pig farmer's wife. A couple presentations later another presenter lets us all know that Andy Johnson wants to be a pig farmer...no joke! I'll let you guess who overheard the interview & tailored his or her answer to fit the day. (Note: when I moved at the end of the year I was shocked when I read in my yearbook that Andy Johnson had had just as much of a crush on me as I'd had on him ;)

I tell you this story because I've come to a huge realization this week. This is it! I've arrived! My dream of being a farmer's wife & all the romantic pioneer woman books I read have come true. I know it's just a hobby farm but I get to wake up & do farm chores! I haul water to animals in my barn (the water lines weren't finished before the ground became a tundra), muck stalls, feed animals, gather eggs, watch eagles, hawks, & other birds fly over our land. I love listening to my rooster crow & my goats bleat & the steer lowing. While I am deathly allergic to cats, I have 8 kittens that I love to watch & cuddle (with my layers of covering & immediate washing afterward). My dog is a perfect fit for our family. The deer running through. The fox across the road that lives in the brush. I don't enjoy going to town SO I DON'T except for church & grocery items & very important "meetings" with my gals a couple times a month. It's fabulous!

 I told Jeremy that I can't ever move back to town. I didn't realize how much all that white noise bothers me. Did you know that you can hear lights? It hurts my head. The noise of furnaces, music in stores, and many other things irritates me now. Or maybe it always did & I didn't even know it. I find absolute peace walking in the stillness down my hill to stand by the creek. I can hear the water underneath  the ice (unless one of my kids comes too). Even the cold & snow don't bother me as much out here. I used to get cabin fever in town since we have winter for what feels like 8mo of the year. It's not that bad out here.

I love my life! The sights, the smells, the sounds, the peace. It's all perfect for us! I'm so excited to do it again tomorrow! I pray that this never gets old.

Getting ready for Christmas & family

As I sit at the computer snuggling with my bright eyed baby, I'm drawn back to my blog which has been neglected as of late. Ok, really it's hit or miss. But I thought I'd get down some of what I've been trying to process in my brain lately.

This is a fun time of year here on the acreage. All our neighbors are harvesting & putting up hay for the winter.The landscape changes drastically & we got to be a part of the changing landscape in that we've been building a barn! Jeremy bought the plans online & at least 75% of the materials he's used have been salvage type stuff he bought off Craigslist or local auctions. I'm so proud of my husband! (Yes, I said MY HUSBAND because I claim him as mine) While we've been married for 15 1/2 years, he never ceases to amaze me with his abilities! This barn is so cool that I've entertained thoughts of just turning it into a home rather than let animals inside...seriously! We've had many friends out to help & we're so appreciative of them all!!!! Our kids have all had different levels of commitment on different days but they loved to be out with their dad helping with various tasks. Jeremy exhibited great patience (most of the time) while teaching the kids to measure, straighten, use many power tools, and other carpentry skills. Granted it's been awhile since we've gotten to sit on the couch & just 'be' but hopefully our lives will be much easier this winter with a barn the pony & goats & for the kids to play in when it's super cold & they're bored in the house.

While I got to help a couple of times, my primary jobs have been to feed the barn crews, maintain the sanity of the house & take care of my babies. It's really not advisable to have an infant or a 2yo to be on a construction site. Especially with a generator, 2 compressors, & the noises of power tools. All of this time on my hands (read "NO time on my hands for anything but treading water") lends one time to think (read "she only gets to think at 1am, 3am & 5am before she falls back into an exhausted stupor").

If you're still reading, I'm gonna get deep...

What has come of my exorbitant amount of thinking time? Well, I'm really struggling with Christmas. I know. What's the biggie? I mean, it's a fun holiday, right? Well, I personally love Christmas. I have at least 10 plastic totes in my basement full of decorations for the season that I can't wait to get out after Thanksgiving is over. I want the magic of the season that I felt as a child for my children...but my heart & my mind are at war over this. You see, I want them to be inundated with the story of Christ's birth not what present they want. I want them to yearn for more in their relationship with Christ rather than yearning for the newest, greatest electronic device. I want the real reason we celebrate Christmas to be more important than all the fluff.

Then, I learn things like Christmas trees are from a pagan practice and I find myself getting more & more disgusted with the whole thing that I tend to want to toss it all. I'm trying not to throw out the baby with the bathwater but where do I draw the line? I don't want to be guilty of taking something as wonderful as the birth of our Savior & turning it into a Christmas palooza with a little God thrown in for good measure. While we don't do Santa, I really like all the fun things that go with Christmas like the Christmas specials on tv & the decorations & special foods. But how do I make sure that it's 95% God, 5% extras that have nothing to do with God but people just throw them in because they want to celebrate even though they don't believe in Him? Should I be satisfied with it & just go on? Should I feel like a scrooge for not participating in all the extra activities of the season? Don't get me wrong, my heart beats faster just walking into Hobby Lobby with all the great Christmas stuff & the songs & the smells! I LOVE it! I'm just all mixed up as how to do this the way Christ expects me to. What's your take? Help me out.

Baby love

This is my 8th pregnancy. I have 6 beautiful/handsome children to show for all the work and one coming the end of July or beginning of Aug. Some people have dubbed me a professional just because of the numbers but I don't feel that way. Every pregnancy and baby are so different that I don't feel like you could be a professional. I do think that with each pregnancy I've gotten more aware of my babies both in utero & after they're in my arms. I know that with each successive child I've become more grateful for each little kick & roll I feel. I revel in their tiny ears, the squishy heels, the way their tongues work while eating, the accomplishment of fists grabbing at and stuffing one cereal piece in their chubby cheeks. Watching & listening to my 18mo old child finally figuring out verbal communication & the adorable words they come up with as their vocabulary develops (like "tittle"-tiny & little or "pretembering"-pretending & remembering).  These are the things I'd like to bottle and keep for later when I have more time to just sit & contemplate. But let's be serious. I have lots of laundry, dishes, etc to attend to. So, for now, I'll try to take a snap shot in my mind before I hurry off to the next task. But if you see me stare off in the distance with a goofy smile on my face, just know I'm trying to store a memory for later ~ I'm not crazy.

I'm not that girl...but sometimes I wish I were

It all started with Facebook's birthday reminders. I began to think about all the well-wishers posting something on my friends' walls. It came so easily for them. A simple "Happy Birthday". Easy right? Not for me.

Well, truth be told, it began with all the thank you notes I was taught to write for every birthday or Christmas. A simple salutation isn't as simple as your parents & teachers lead you to believe. As a child learning the time honored                        skill of thank you notes lead me to much anxiety as I tried to decide the appropriate way to sign off of that note...Sincerely, Yours Truly, Love You or my personal favorite Cordially... & I decided that drawing a heart was all I could pen without assigning too much feeling or too little.

You see, I am not that girl. 
I am not the girl that speaks her feelings to just anyone.
I am not the girl who gives hugs freely. 
I am not the girl who says "I love you" to anyone just willy nilly. 
I am not the girl who expresses deep feelings out loud in the light of day.
I don't do confrontation.


I can speak unashamedly about my HANDSOME, almost PERFECT husband.
I can speak of my children with great enthusiasm & sometimes frustration.
I hold intelligent conversations about what God is doing in our lives.
I can extol the wonders of homeschooling for our family.
I love to talk chicken care.
Medical care is fascinating for me with my nursing background.
I could go on & on about birth, breastfeeding, cloth diapering, & related subjects.
I'm sometimes lose the opportunity to speak on something in a conversation because I'm thinking about how to say it correctly & everyone moves on. (Although I can speak with abandon about things that don't matter in the grand scheme of life because I'm so excited to just speak with someone over the age of 11!)

The rub comes when conversation turns to deeply emotional topics. When I get the courage to speak about things that affect me deeply, I shake. My whole body shakes, my voice quivers & my teeth chatter while I try to get out whatever it is that is so important. My husband knows that something is really important to me when I begin to shake while speaking & it's usually at night when I can finally get it out. This is not his best time to talk as he is a morning person but he tries really hard to give me his undivided attention when I finally get up the gumption to talk to him at 11pm or later. Right now, as I type, my hands are beginning to shake.

There are times that I wish I were the girl who could just say "I love you" to people. But then, that seems too intimate like something I should reserve for just my husband & kids. I have very strong feelings for my family & my close friends but it feels weird to say that as you leave their house. "Thanks for having me over. I have very strong feelings for you." or signing off on the phone "Well, it was good talking to you. I have very strong feelings for you, Good bye". See, it's weird.

I have been trying to be more verbal when I sign off on the phone with my sisters & my grandma. I make a point of saying I love you even though it makes my stomach hurt. I don't know why. Maybe I'm afraid they just feel obligated to say it because I said it first. Or if they say it first & I reply they assume it's just the cursory reply like at church when people say "Hi, how are you?" and you know that they expect you to reply with "fine, how are you" when you aren't really fine but they don't actually want to hear anything else so they can keep on walking to their destination. But that's another topic entirely. I really do love them.

I am loyal to the core. I remember my first fight was in the 1st grade. A little boy named Shawno Johnson was chasing my twin best pals Sadie & Jenny Wiens & they were really upset so I socked him in the chest & told him to knock it off. Now, I have moved over 27 times, lived in 4 states, gone to 3 elementary schools, 1 middle school, 3 high schools, 1 university, & nursing school. I remember the names of my friends from each place & sometimes my brother & sisters info, too. I fondly remember all the kids from my various church youth groups. I especially remember all the adventures with my cousins even though we only lived by them until I was 10.

I want people to know how I feel but words are so flippantly used. People say they love pizza or movies & I say it sometimes also. I feel like it would be so much easier to show them. I could make them dinner when they are sick or take care of their kids when they need a break. I could serve them any number of ways but I know that many people need to hear how I feel. I have 2 children & a husband who's love language is encouraging words so it's definitely know how important this is.

As stated above this realization all came to a head on Facebook. All those birthday wishes were fine & I resigned myself to the fact that I didn't have to feel guilty about not sending the cursory "Happy Birthday" worded differently than everyone else's so that they know it wasn't just expected because Facebook told me to do it. People don't know if you're sarcastic, teasing or serious even if you use those smiley faces.

...But then, a HUGE thing happened! My cousin's wife got cancer. I know that a lot of people aren't close to their family. Especially when they live in a different part of the country & have only met in real life a couple of times. But I have VERY strong feelings for my family & I had recently found a kindred spirit in Stacey. I introduced her to my favorite website board for mothers of many children (she has 5 & I have 7) & found that we have many of the same ideals & interests. She was my connection to my extended family during a really tough time when I didn't know how they felt or if they even wanted me in the family anymore. Then, she got cancer & I began to pray fervently daily. She was always in my thoughts but I couldn't send a note so I sent a care package for the kids. People are sending words of encouragement via Facebook & the Caringbridge site but I can't bring myself to write anything worth sending. It never seems to fully express what I am feeling. I don't want to say the wrong thing but I don't know what the right thing to say is either. I want to say something but...

I am not that girl but sometimes I want to be.

Then, yesterday God reminded me that there are many words for love in the Greek. 1. Phileo "brotherly love", 2. Storge "parents' love", 3. Eros "sexual love", & 4. Agape "Godly love". I came to the realization that I need to focus on the definition of Phileo love & try to express that out loud more often to more people (just not willy nilly). I'm going to try to say something because I would rather be the person who said something than the one that didn't say something & nobody knows the extent to which I really do love them. A great fear of mine would be that someone would think I don't care at all when I really have such great affection & love for them. That would be much worse than not getting a reply or worse, getting a cursory reply that meant nothing.

I am not that girl, but I'm going to try.