I need to get my feelings written down

Have you ever noticed that when people ask you how you're doing they really don't want to know the truth? They expect the normal anwer of "fine"; the little wave as you continue on with whatever business or small talk you are required & then you're on your merry way. This didn't really bother me all that much until there really was something wrong & I felt like I was lying to say "fine". So for the past 6months now, I have not been fine. My whole life has been turned upside down although I can't honestly say that the whole situation has started to get me down until this last March. 

You see, I can honestly say that my life was so perfect 6mo ago. I think I lived in a bubble that insulated me from horribleness. My bubble was burst in Oct. & I'm having to deal with situations I NEVER would have imagined having to deal with. Other people, yes; me, never! Because my extended family all live far away from me, it's kinda easy to compartmentalize & pray for them when they come to mind but you know the old saying "out of sight, out of mind". I'd change it slightly to "out of sight, the emotions don't sting so bad or consume your thoughts". Don't get me wrong, I care immensely but daily life can help put those thoughts on the back burner while you deal with the kids & house & church & husband.

Toby Mac has a song about his parents getting a divorce. It hit home because now my parents are getting a divorce. According to Oregon courts, it doesn't matter why- even though I want to rail & rant & let everyone know why. I want the consequences known: my family is ripped apart, I feel as if I've been austracized even though all I did was offer a place to heal. I'm disappointed with my family at the lack of support or even contact. It's like we have a "Don't ask, don't tell" rule. It nver happened if I don't know about it & yet that only works for 1 side of this. For some reason, knowing one side is good enough. I am amazed at how self righteous & judgmental people can be when they only hear one side of the story & aren't even interested in knowing anything else. Some may say that that is how I am. Only seeing one side, but when you have documented evidence from banks, collection agencies, texts, emails, credit reports, etc. I don't need to talk to anyone else. It negates anything else that could be said & verifies the other that has nothing to do with the financials. It hurts even more when it's my family you know, those perfect few who weren't effected by the horribleness of the world.

My pain & disappointment is so deep that I feel it daily, hourly & sometimes every minute especially when you add in losing my relationships with my sisters as they were, money problems from all this (because WE pay for all mom's needs) regular stress of life without all this crap, pregnancy hormones, etc. I want my life back & it's not going to happen. Then I feel terrible for even feeling sorry for myself when I know that this whole situation is 800 times worse for my mom. She can't even escape her pain for the hour that I can. Everything reminds her of it, music, tv, movies, memories, voids in her life, etc.

This was supposed to be therapeutic for me. I hope it worked.

More Easter

Easter Celebrations

We went to Reiman Gardens to hunt eggs, see the butterflies, & look at the indoor flowers.

Corbin had all his eggs blue or green & done in 3 minutes-until he figured out he could dbl dip in many colors!

Celeste tried her hardest to color on the eggs since she couldn't touch the dye.

We had so many beautiful eggs-some looked like real bird eggs.

Julia & Brody played in the bell choir on Easter morning during the first service.

My pretty girls in their Easter dresses!

Isn't she pretty!

We had Easter dinner with Jeremy's parents.

The kids painted Easter window sun catchers while Daddy & Gma Glenna hid the eggs outside.

Gpa Bill supervised the painting & made sure no spills happened.

Celeste picked up every egg & shook it thoroughly before she would put it in her basket.

Don't know if you noticed?

Has anyone noticed the pregnancy ticker on my blog? Well, in case you didn't, we are expecting another baby in October! This will be our 4th baby due then end of October...it's a good month for us apparently.

The kids are very excited & all but Brody want us to have twins. Which, come to think of it, has been the general concensus for all my pregnancies. While that was part of my dream as a child, now that I already have 5 I'm not really hoping for twins this time. Not that I wouldn't LOVE to have 2 babies to kiss & smell & love on but I just think I might be overwhelmed to have 6 kids ages 10 & under. I would get through it & I have a great support system here, I just think I might need help & I'm not that great at asking for or accepting help. (Something God is really trying to teach me in the last couple of years).

Anyway, be excited with us! This will be the 8th grandchild on Jeremy's side of the family & the 16th on my side. But also pray for us because I've just now gotten to the point where I'm not sick 24hrs a day but I'm still not up to par. My 1st OB appt is next Thurs & I'm always a little nervous until then because our 1st baby was ectopic & we had to have emergency surgery at 14 1/2 weeks. Once I know all is placed correctly I settle right down.

Upward Basketball

This year Brody & Sage are both playing basketball again only this year they are on separate teams because the teams are divided up by grades. Next year they can be on the same team again. Sage is a tall guy on his team & he's really developing his abilities to block shots & guard his guy.

Cookie baking continued

Here are the rest of the pictures. Above you can see Brody carefully constructing his pizza which ended up being about 3 inches thick & took a LONG time to bake.

Celeste & her red dough that she chose.

Julia's flower smile was just as cute as her own smile!

Corbin's candle & Brody's "me, too" smile!

Cookie Baking Personalities

The personalities of your kids are never more evident than when you do something all at the same time. Sage (9) was done with his owl mosaic in less than 2 minutes. I barely had enough time to get the camera from my bedroom. Julia was methodical & focused. Brody actually touched cookie dough for the first time in his life & spent at least 20 minutes constructing a pizza. The dough we used was bought from a school fundraiser from one of the neighbor kids & was the most beautiful, bright colored dough I've ever seen! It also makes baby's tongues & diapers very bright (hehehehe). Celeste would only eat the red dough. Corbin just loved rolling it out over & over with the rolling pins, which apparently I need more of because 2 is just not enough when you have 5 children. We had to share or get creative. I seem to remember using glasses or jelly jars at my gma's house as a child.

Corbin's duck (above) & his train (below, upper right). In the middle of the pan below is Sage's owl mosaic.

Julia was very proud of her faces on her hearts & flowers!