Wednesday, June 15, 2011

I need to get my feelings written down

Have you ever noticed that when people ask you how you're doing they really don't want to know the truth? They expect the normal anwer of "fine"; the little wave as you continue on with whatever business or small talk you are required & then you're on your merry way. This didn't really bother me all that much until there really was something wrong & I felt like I was lying to say "fine". So for the past 6months now, I have not been fine. My whole life has been turned upside down although I can't honestly say that the whole situation has started to get me down until this last March. 

You see, I can honestly say that my life was so perfect 6mo ago. I think I lived in a bubble that insulated me from horribleness. My bubble was burst in Oct. & I'm having to deal with situations I NEVER would have imagined having to deal with. Other people, yes; me, never! Because my extended family all live far away from me, it's kinda easy to compartmentalize & pray for them when they come to mind but you know the old saying "out of sight, out of mind". I'd change it slightly to "out of sight, the emotions don't sting so bad or consume your thoughts". Don't get me wrong, I care immensely but daily life can help put those thoughts on the back burner while you deal with the kids & house & church & husband.

Toby Mac has a song about his parents getting a divorce. It hit home because now my parents are getting a divorce. According to Oregon courts, it doesn't matter why- even though I want to rail & rant & let everyone know why. I want the consequences known: my family is ripped apart, I feel as if I've been austracized even though all I did was offer a place to heal. I'm disappointed with my family at the lack of support or even contact. It's like we have a "Don't ask, don't tell" rule. It nver happened if I don't know about it & yet that only works for 1 side of this. For some reason, knowing one side is good enough. I am amazed at how self righteous & judgmental people can be when they only hear one side of the story & aren't even interested in knowing anything else. Some may say that that is how I am. Only seeing one side, but when you have documented evidence from banks, collection agencies, texts, emails, credit reports, etc. I don't need to talk to anyone else. It negates anything else that could be said & verifies the other that has nothing to do with the financials. It hurts even more when it's my family you know, those perfect few who weren't effected by the horribleness of the world.

My pain & disappointment is so deep that I feel it daily, hourly & sometimes every minute especially when you add in losing my relationships with my sisters as they were, money problems from all this (because WE pay for all mom's needs) regular stress of life without all this crap, pregnancy hormones, etc. I want my life back & it's not going to happen. Then I feel terrible for even feeling sorry for myself when I know that this whole situation is 800 times worse for my mom. She can't even escape her pain for the hour that I can. Everything reminds her of it, music, tv, movies, memories, voids in her life, etc.

This was supposed to be therapeutic for me. I hope it worked.

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