Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Wish I Had A Camera In My Eyeballs

Have you ever been in a moment when you wished you could record every tiny thing? I don't know if it's age, the addition of more children, maturity, or finding a general appreciation of life that has lead me to this feeling more often than not.

I'll give you an example. As I type this, I am in my bed, snuggled up to my 3 1/2 month old daughter Glory. She's just finished nursing & is in her milky coma of bliss; a drop of milk teetering precariously on her rosebud lips. A blush of light touches her shoulder highlighting her peachy fuzz. The sweet creases on her wrists & the dimples in her fingers are as beautiful as her tiny eyelashes gracing her tired lids. I want to not only remember her amazing eyes but the sensation of her fingers gently touching my arms or wrapped around my neck. I want to recall at a moments notice that fabulous smell that only a baby can have. I want to pull from the recesses of my mind the beautiful sounds of her "talking" to me & her daddy as we lay in bed after the big kids are in bed for the night. I really love baby feet & tiny toes. Do I really have to mention her ears or her cute little knees that make my knees go weak? 

Celeste is 2 & she steals my heart every day! She is so painfully wonderful. At least once a day, she puts her dainty hands on my cheeks, getting nose to nose with me, & tells me "You my bes fwen" (You're my best friend) & "I wuff you, Mama". It's that feeling that grabs your heart & squeezes so hard that it literally pains you. I just sit & watch her so intently while she talks to me that sometimes I forget to listen to what she's saying because I get lost in her intensity.

But it's not only that way with my babies. I know I still think of Corbin as one of my babies even though he's 4 but he is growing so fast. He is learning so fast & so many experiences he has & I stand in awe of all he communicates with me. He is GORGEOUS with his towhead, blue eyes & incredible smile. There is no stopping this boy who tries anything as long as Mama is right there. He is starting to be a brave boy; stepping further from his Mama as he learns to be more independent. I know in my heart this is how it should be but I can't help but feel a little sadness as he takes those initial steps out of my arms. I want to remember the smile that is only mine because I know sooner than later he'll give that smile to some other very lucky lady rather than his Mama.

What I want to remember about Julia is her crazy flair. I don't think I could ever forget her "interesting" outfits she picks out because I bet she never stops dressing this way. She is so gifted in ways I am not. She has a wonderful self assured presence that other girls flock to her in social situations. She can sing without hesitation (although she doesn't know that she is rarely on tune), she dances in a crowd even when no one else would dream of dancing there, & she can act on stage with no hesitation or stage fright. She has made up her mind to be a nurse & so far nothing has changed her mind. She displays so many wonderful talents, gifts, & abilities. Her eyes light up when she talks about so many things. She feels passion so deeply & yet that can backfire as her passion causes her inner tiger to leap forth when she feels wronged.  She is fiercely loyal.

Brody is the toughest. If I'm really honest I know that there are so many ways Brody is like me & I wish they were the positive aspects. I try to take pictures of Brody's eyes when he understands a concept that eluded him previously. His mischievous smile can light up a room. He can give the best hugs so that you melt into those skinny little arms. He's got bony little knees & elbows like a newborn colt although he isn't as tall as he thinks he is. He has pointy ears like a little elf & white hair above the temples on both sides of his head. He wants to be hugged hard, scratched hard, squeezed hard, etc. He likes order, all things to stay the same, & has only recently found something that scared him (high ropes course). His mantra is that he is the biggest, strongest, bravest, fastest.  But his eyes cloud over faster than a blink. His intensity is topped off by his frustration & anger at a world he doesn't understand & finds it hard to function in. I cry as I feel helpless to include him in all that encircles him; some he realizes & much more that he is unaware of.

I have no idea when I blinked & my Sage became a big boy. At 10, my son weighs much more that I did as a freshman in high school. He wears a size 8 men's tennis shoe & will be taller than me by 12-so he says. He's only a head away from that goal. He hates having his head touched & has since he was in utero-he'll need a wife who isn't in to rubbing her fingers through his hair! Right now his ankles are thicker than mine & today I noticed his neck is as big as his head. He is growing so fast but not only his body. His cute lips are just like his father's & they never stop talking. I'm not exaggerating, he even talks in his sleep. He's always joyfully singing or telling a story to anyone who listens & those who aren't listening. I wish I could bottle his innocence & yet he has become so mature lately. We have such great conversations. We were talking about the boys in his Sunday School class & I asked him to observe them while he was at a party with them all. He's been frustrated that they seem to pick on him a lot & I wanted him to notice the nuances of their relationships. I wanted him to fit in just like I wanted to fit in as a child. When he got home we sat & talked about how the boys acted, what they did, etc. I was impressed with his insight as sometimes I think he daydreams so much that he doesn't see things as quickly as others. His conclusion really made me think. He decided that these boys all try to act like each other, they treat each other unkindly (even when they are on the same team) & because God made us all unique he is going to be himself & not act like those boys. I am excited to see the man he will become although I can wait a little longer because that means he won't be around every day to flash his sweet smile at me while he sings a newly composed ditty about some animal/alien/or newly invented creature.

So, for today this is my snapshot... since I don't have a camera in my eyeballs.

1 comment:

Mari Bryant- Marks said...

I loved reading about all my nieces and nephews!